Wisdom & Pure Misanthropy

wisdom-hebrew

I don’t like people that much as a whole. My introverted nature drives me to secluded places regularly to escape their voices and their questions. I think people are poison most of the time, having been betrayed by people who are close to me since the day I was born. People who were supposed to love me and care about me by the definition of the roles they attained by entering my life: father, friend, girlfriend, etc. I have since developed a distrust of most people and their true motives. I have declared this before, but there is no emotion in these words, only certainty.

I am a misanthrope.

mis·an·thro·py
noun \mi-ˈsan(t)-thrə-pē\
: dislike or hatred of other people

The greatest gift I have to offer is wisdom. As the Preacher put it, “For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.” (Ecclesiastes 1:18). There is a rough road to learning this the hard way, the hard way being the only way I’m likely to learn anything practical. I have been called an old soul by many and I believe that to be true. In my short 28 years of life I have accrued more wisdom than is probably normal for someone my age. This is evidenced in the people I know who still find entertainment in getting drunk every weekend. But to have this kind of wisdom when all people will do is hear instead of listen, to look but not see, is one of the saddest, most frustrating parts of dealing with humanity I have experienced. I don’t claim to know everything but I wish some people would listen to me once in a while.

What does this have to do with misanthropy? I think addresses the very core of the misunderstanding of what misanthropy is. To hate humankind blindly and without prejudice is not only a sign of incompetence but completely unproductive. It is the misanthrope who hates the world and cages himself off from the world completely who is the fool. It is hard to find someone like this who maintains the philosophy indefinitely. It is usually a short span of time triggered by something external that will force someone into the hole of hatred of all mankind and shut himself off from the world. From time to time this has included me and I will openly admit that. But you are only committing murder in your mind when sinking to this level. It’s hard to escape but it’s toxic to the heart, soul, and mind.

Then there are misanthropes like me. I hate humanity but I do not forsake them completely. My hatred is a fuel for seeking improvement, enlightenment, and evolution in myself and people I know. I hate how ugly the world has become at the hands of mankind so I strive to believe there is some beauty to be found somewhere deep inside the cesspool I see every day. Their self-seeking, self-righteous, and self-important behavior has driven me to this point where I have to fight my judgemental side and point out the inanity of peoples’ actions. I’m just not built that way. It’s just so hard not to shut down completely some days considering how people treat each other and it’s hard to breathe the same air as others when the environment gets toxic. But I have to believe my hatred of humanity as a whole will serve as the impetus to be a force of change.

Otherwise, what’s the point?

This song has been a big encouragement:

Understood,
This will read as a plea to vindicate intolerance as surely as it is written.

Understand,
Contempt born of clear perception is a birthright to those who channel it toward progression.

Preserve life without loathing.
Awaken hope within hatred.
Wrest insight from outrage.

This is a birthright and obligation.

Spiteful and ill-tempered, I know the character well…
A maelstrom of weakness, and instability seething with viciousness.
I choose not to accept this;
Not into my life.
There is no hope of reform.
When pride is allied with hostility, all reason is denied.
I return the denial.

A glaring misconception of self-importance, I know the character well…
Heedless fool, so arrogant with no understanding of consequence.
I see this negligence.
I choose not to accept it;
Not into my life.
Absence of introspection neglects the outer world.
Let not the excess of lusts and comfort mislead you.
This world is not yours.

Feel the quarrel in just his presence, you know the character all too well…
A destructive man at war with his cowardice.
I detest belligerence, and choose not to accept it;
Not into my life.
Keep separate these hatreds.
Undefined animosity is a device of the spineless, the means of a fool.
Focused misanthropy is opposition for these dark hearts-
Downpours of disapproval no words could begin to express.

To distort the truth to serve itself,
To oppose understanding,
I believe in man.
Man will maintain its hostility.
Have this faith.

Conflict in the chest.
To be concerned for the needs of such heartless men.

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[The]ory of [R]Evolution

днк готов2

ev·o·lu·tionˌevəlo͞SH(ə)n/ – noun: The gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form.

There are a lot of people in Christendom who are up in arms about this word, this topic, and its supposed implications on what the Bible says about the creation of the earth and the creatures who dwell upon it, including us humans. This does not concern me. That is actually a topic for another day. As humans, we are granted an enormous, almost incalculable capacity for adaptability to almost any circumstance under any kind of stress. We were built to be dynamic. Yet, what I have found as of late is an utter refusal, whether it be a conscious decision or no, to put to use that ability to change and to become something better and beyond the circumstances of the present moment. And while I must include myself in this group, I think I have taken the first step by recognizing this is an issue for many and now reminding myself that I have it within myself to constantly evolve.

What does that look like?

I don’t have a lot of friends. I am alright with this fact because I am not, by nature, an overly social person. I don’t party, drink, go to bars for health reasons both physical and mental. I am 28 years old and I have moved past the phase in my life where I am dependent on social lubricants in order to function or enjoy myself. Where some fail to evolve, as I have seen, is the penchant to still find some sort of pleasure in getting inebriated on a regular basis. To me, alcohol was often used a lot in a time when water was undrinkable. Now it’s a pastime to pay money to bombard one’s brain cells with copious amounts of liquor. I do not understand it; it is beyond my capacity to grasp the logic in this. I ask myself in earnest, “What’s the point?” when I watch people down beer after beer to the point of intoxication and loss of inhibition. I guess maybe some people need chemical help to lose control. That is something difficult for me to grasp as I have to live my life in the exact opposite fashion.

Then there’s life in the face of tragedy. When the heart breaks and must take time to mend there ought to be some modicum of a transformative process; there ought to be some sort of light that goes off in their mind that perhaps there is a lesson to be learned from loss and heartache. Barring a select few, I have witnessed those who, even in the face of overwhelming loss, fail to exhibit any kind of willingness to take their pain to heart and turn it into something that makes them a better person or change them at all. Some, in fact, regress or devolve. It pains me to see those experiencing great amount of suffering take the brunt of it upon themselves and let it manifest itself in guilt or shame. In order to evolve, it would seem me one should take the energy wasted and use it to put themselves in a better place. By saying this I am not saying it is easy because I have seen the abyss inside all those emotional pitfalls and I have not yet learned entirely how to escape them myself. At the same time, I am learning to use it to fuel a personal evolution as a better option.

There is a myriad of other topics this touches on: homophobia, sexism, racism, misogyny, misandry, or any other form of bigotry you can think of. That people still think with the mentalities associated with any one or all of these topics shows a distinct lack of ability to evolve beyond the current mental framework or worldview a person constructed for themselves. That most with these frames of mind lack the ability or desire to change is even more glaring proof they are not using their God-given ability to reach beyond the scope of what they understand into the realm of the unknown to become more evolved in a world constantly changing and moving around them. They are the rock in the middle of the stream because they refuse, to paraphrase Henry Rollins, to climb a curb an inch high.

These kinds of issues have only further fueled my growing misanthropy. The actions of those who refuse to evolve from their current state is both infuriating and depressing to me because I know there is so much more out there than the small box people trap themselves in that inhibits growth beyond its boundaries. I have begun to despise this portion of mankind for their lackluster efforts and complacency to be comfortable where they’re at. This has served as fuel for me, in some ways. It has forced me to seek to better myself continuously because I refuse to be stuck in one place already at this age or going forward.

When I wake up and don’t want to work out I hear a voice in my head that tells me I must continue to evolve. So, I pull myself from my comfortable bed and get to it. I feel my intellectual powers diminishing and I hear, “evolve”. So I bury myself in books, articles, and whatever else I can find to strengthen and fortify my mind because I will not allow myself to relinquish the mind God gave me out of apathy any longer. I will go back to school for the same reason. And I thank God because I believe he has placed this message on my heart.

Evolve.

μισάνθροπος

misanthropy-blackback

There are days where I lose just a little more faith in humanity and, most times, I could not tell you why. My experience with the general populace as well as at the individual level has not gone a long way to prove to me otherwise. At the same time, I must lose faith in myself because I am part of the mass of humanity I learning to like less and less. Drawn from the same dust as the rest, I find I am trying to mentally scrub myself clean of all the things I see in other people I don’t want to see in the mirror every day as I prepare to join them in the daily grind where people share the poison of other peoples’ lives; they gossip, they lie, and they treat each other like dirt under the ruse of friendly alliance.

I find myself growing tired of this consistently nagging idea in my head that says my view on the world is wrong. It’s not Biblical, it’s not Christ-like, it’s not something else completely good and altruistic. It does not feel like there are a lot of people out there who are for me. I have been betrayed too many times in too many ways to believe I’ll ever fall in love again. I’ve seen too many people fall from the pedestal they’ve been put on (not necessarily self-imposed) to believe in heroes. I’m a cynic with trust issues which manifests itself in personality traits I’ve found most people do not understand or are somehow offended by it. Maybe it’s a subconscious method of keeping people at a distance; if that’s true, I think I have built up a curriculum vitae of experiences that warrant such behavior. Only fools fail to learn from experience.

What’s been my experience? I’ve been deemed unworthy of being part of peoples’ lives more than once. I’ve been abandoned by people who should have cared about me. This is not pity-seeking. The biggest trigger of my aggression and anger is no one takes the time to understand, no one seeks an explanation, no one wants to know, because when you look long into the abyss, the abyss looks back into you. I am sick and tired of fighting with myself, with other people because it only fuels my misanthropy; it brings out the worst in me and I already live with enough depravity so I’m trying my best to keep these sentences clear and coherent because I can feel it.

The burning coal in the pit of my stomach is rising up into my chest as I think of all the banal and pointless things people go on and on about. I’m sick of hearing about drunken weekends and stupid, narrow-minded opinions. I am, honestly, so bereft of heart lately that I can lock myself up in my apartment and shut out the world. Two doors, two locks, and a whole lot of books can keep me occupied.

On the other side of the coin, I am alone most of the time, anyway. Even with people around me, I find it difficult to relate. Ever felt alone in a crowd? That’s me. Then a sliver of doubt slips under my skin and I start feeling that aching loneliness that only comes from having experienced relationships. I have friends but they’re all married, moved away, and have schedules to keep. I do not have such burdens. I answer to no one but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could share it with someone other than a blog or a notebook.

But if I speak will you judge? I did not come here to care what you think about me. Not anymore. Most peoples’ opinions aren’t worth shit anymore because there’s no mileage behind them.

If only I could rewire everything to make it more clear.