Some days it feels like I should just lock myself away from the general population and live like a monk for a while. This is really for the sake of others and not myself. There are days when even the most innocuous of statements will touch a nerve somehow and I feel like I’m extremely short with everyone, despite their having done nothing wrong. I call these my bad days but, really, “bad day” is a spectrum of foul moods and exhaustion. It’s quite rare that I will admit to having a “good day” because they happen so rarely as happiness is almost illusory (I’m more prone to anhedonia and/or lack of affect) and, when I do have one I don’t want to risk spoiling it by making it known to the rest of the world. It always seems the more the real world tries to jump in and ruin it.
I should be much more used to days like today.
I’m not even halfway through my day and already I’m feeling the effects of burnout and fatigue. My nerves are raw and I’m impatient. Things that would not normally bother me are just burrowing their way under my skin and I can feel the muscles in my back tense. To clarify, nothing too terrible happened today to sabotage my ability to control myself and how I perceive things. Some days are just worse than others.
Right now, I would like to throw on some wrestling. I’ve been dying to watch Progress Chapter 70: 1978. I caught a glimpse of it and it looked hilarious. That’s just one of escapist means of entertainment I enjoy. Lately, though, I haven’t been able to stay entertained by much on TV. I used to sleep with the TV on and now it drives me nuts to have it going. I sleep better in the dark.
Have you ever wondered if your soul, subconscious, or however you understand events that are not consciously perceived are connected to events in your life and cause you to react before you consciously remember them?
Today would have been her 44th birthday and I can’t help but think of ice cream. When she left this world so quick and unexpectedly we celebrated with ice cream. I remember the green and black mix of mint chip. I remember I so many people packed into the basement of Kingsway Christian Church I had to step out and have a cigarette with a fellow introvert. I wore as much purple as I could muster, including my eye makeup at the time because you loved Prince.
I’m wearing myself out thinking about it. I’m not in a place where I can just let go and feel whatever it is I’m trying to contain and perhaps that’s the reason for my irritability today. I’m notoriously terrible with remembering dates but, thankfully, Social Media is a fabulous reminder for things like this. So, I always ask around these times if, perhaps, there’s a part of me that knows these things before I am conscious of them.
Right now, it’s hard to hold back tears.
Oh, Heather, tell me where have you gone? Are you still dancing to, “Purple Rain”?