I had the concept of subtext and underlying emotion when I was putting this one together. Like my previous track, this one grew organically and I’m honestly not sure how I feel about the end product.
However, since this is a learning process for me I will unashamedly post and share it because I need to continue to access the courage it takes to create and put on display once again when it comes to making music.
“My heart is pounding… Can you hear it?
It’s my intent to start posting things that are moving or inspirational to me in hopes of coming back later and writing some sort of reflection or to use it as fuel for a poem. Something. Just have to keep the mind moving.
This song, this album, has been speaking to me a lot.
It’s been a while, you’ve been walking alone, it’s been a while. It’s been a while since your heart had a home, it’s been a while
You remember the way you came tumbling down. Down to your knees like never before. You’re at the bottom in a bottomless town and as you lie on the floor
The rain falls over your face drowned in this place too long. Well, I know that the sun shines and fights for your day. You hear it say be strong, and let it go… Just keep holding on. Soon you’ll see that you belong.
You know there’s still darkness ahead, you know it. And I know you heard the things that they said, you try not to show it.
You remember the way you came tumbling down. Down to your knees like never before. You’re at the bottom in a bottomless town and you can’t see the door.
You belong, you already belong, you belong.
You remember the way you came tumbling down. Down to your knees like never before. You’re at the bottom in a bottomless town and as you lie on the floor…
Onward and Sideways
With spring-time rolling in I feel the pressure increase but soul is prepared and rising to meet the challenge. I have shaken the snow from my shoulders with the winter on its way backwards as I make for the door away from that frigid season and all I have associated with it. This winter did not come without its tragedies and casualties but I have purposed to forget all of that now, I think. And it wasn’t really a conscious decision, I’ll have you know, but it is as if God finally turned on the switch after erasing the great distance I felt from Him over these past few days/weeks/months…
I am not afraid of the future because I know it’s not me who makes it and I don’t do a whole lot without thinking and asking about it first and it’s as if I can see the hand of God in everything. I felt it in the wind today. Today. It was like I emerged from a cocoon with my gloves off and I was ready to go at it. The way I have been the last few months has been severed from my being and I’m not guaranteeing that I’m not going to hit lows time in and out but I must accept that as reality and not so much as a disadvantage. I have learned the meaning of God’s time and His sovereignty and I don’t get it and I don’t understand it completely but that’s fine.
I was driving home from work last night and I don’t remember what I was looking at but I wasn’t looking at the road. Don’t worry, it was only for a split second but I looked back to the asphalt or pavement and I didn’t know where I was for a few seconds. I’ve driven that road hundreds of times maybe more in the last year so I was floored that I didn’t recognize this particular stretch of road. But I crested a hill and on the south side of the highway was the Omaha skyline as seen just after you pass highway 50 going East on 370. And in thinking about it today and just now I think that’s a good illustration of how my winter was this year. I had no bearings whatsoever, I took my focus off my mission and turned it to something else and I lost my bearings for a good while. Long enough for me to realize the absence of direction in heart, in my soul. But as this nice weather has rolled in and Spring has officially put Winter to death, I saw the bright lights of the skyline and it was as if God had shown me just a glimpse of His glory.
As a result of the Transfiguration Jesus’ clothes were “white as light” (Matthew 17:2), “radiant, intensely white, as no one on earth could bleach them” (Mark 9:3), or “dazzling white” (Luke 9:29). I can just imagine Peter and James and how they must have had to shield their eyes from the brightness. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at anything that is pure white but if you know your basic physics you know that white is not really a color but an absence of. And to stare at something bleached perfectly white as it says in Mark it would serve almost as a mirror by reflecting all wavelengths of light in the spectrum. I kind of felt like that today. In reflecting on all the garbage that has happened to me in the last few months I feel that brilliant white cloth was ground to dust and scattered across the skyline and that is where I see the light.
I’m sure that you think that is an odd parallel to make but you must understand something about me. I know I talk a lot about my problems and depression and anxiety but I’m not as black as my clothing makes me look. There are a few things on this earth that bring me calm, just enough for reflection. One of them is trains. That’s a long story but if a train goes by I can’t help but watch. There’s just something about all that weight in motion being pulled by one lone vehicle. Another is seeing skylines from an unpopulated area. I cannot explain because I don’t know why but I can show it to you if you ask.
I have beared this silence
Across slumped shoulders
I hope you heard
The words I screamed
Into the silence next
To your ear
So only you could hear.
It’s been difficult to
Hold it all in
But in the process I’ve been
Letting a lot go.
I miss the days
Now gone, forgiven
I miss my friend
And that I must carry daily
It will be hard waiting
However long it takes
To tell you what’s happened
In the last couple of days.
The hurt and the healing,
The forward progress.
I’m reaching up
Instead of out and around,
Instead of storing up
I wish that you could see…