7.28.16 – Rambling

I read somewhere recently that Generalized Anxiety Disorder is caused by the brain’s overgeneralization to a specific kind of stimuli. There was the kid who was trained to be terrified of everything that was white and fluffy from rabbits to even beards, as I recall. I don’t know. This  isn’t me writing to research anything or, at least, that’s what I’m refraining from doing at this point. I’m just contemplating the shift of things over the past couple of days.

I’ve been so worried about money and my stark lack of it that when I was finally presented with an excellent solution to the problem I should have felt relieved. For a moment, I did. Now, I’m anxious about spending money on anything. Caution is always warranted but this almost kept me from making my first trip to Taco Bell in who knows how long when I needed something to eat today and didn’t really feel like cooking.

Barely got out of bed today. Missed classes. Had a massive sinus headache. Must be a change in the air pressure. Change always causes discomfort. I’ve been trying to get a job and have had a few interviews but nobody wants to hire me for anything other than Customer Service or Sales. I can’t go back to the phones again, I really don’t want to have to manage a team like that again. I want something new and I’ve been trying for something new but nobody wants the older dog who can’t help himself but to learn new tricks. I suppose it is rare that someone at 30 could conceivably not have a career lined up, isn’t it? I haven’t grown up yet so is it really a requirement that I decide what I want to be if and when I get there? I’d like to think not but, as we all know, I’m not one to think along the lines as the majority of humanity.

The Harleys and rescue sirens are the only things speaking to me tonight. This part of downtown is lonely. Though, I suppose any part of town is lonely if that’s what you’re feeling. I suppose that’s me. It’s probably not just me but I’m not nor have I ever been a young professional at anything so I don’t really fit in with the singles crowd. I like having a beer but inebriation doesn’t really do anything for me. How do you meet people when you really don’t want to do anything? The answer is, very simply, you don’t.

The truth of it is I don’t really want to shed my single status. Other people, younger people are having a good go of it, getting married, making babies, and all that. I’m not sure at what level that really interests me. Self-reliance and a twinge of misanthropy don’t make for a good personality to break myself of those particular feelings. I’ve found it’s harder for people to make me laugh anymore. I listen much more than I speak which may seem like disinterest but, really, it’s because I can’t think of anything to say.

I sometimes wonder if something inside me broke a few years ago. I sometimes wonder if I’m still trying to rewire it and glue it back together again. Sometimes, I wonder what it’s like to make a decision that rips someone’s life apart but vastly improves your own. I wonder, somehow, if I did something to deserve it in the cosmic sense. Or maybe I just suck at relationships.

I wish it was night all the time. It’s too hot here when the sun’s out.


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