Carrier

carryheart1

I remembered today I had purchased Sykamore’s album “Petal” after hearing her belt out with great strength the chorus to Transit’s “Never Left”. It’s one of those days when nothing really sounds appealing, like I’ve heard it all before and my expansive and diverse library just can’t cut it. I think it’s safe to say, after some mild depression yesterday, I’m vacillating between that and just plain anhedonia.

But I heard something, as if through the radio. It was spoken with the high and low levels dropped out with some static and noise, so it was hard to make out at first. But I caught enough to use google to find out someone was reciting this, nestled in the instrumentals of the song, “Hope”:

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 

I don’t know what it was about these words, but they kicked me in the chest. And there was some familiarity to them. Then I remembered this particular scene from what should be considered the greatest medical drama of all time (suck it, Grey’s Anatomy). Then I remembered they were lines uttered by one of the characters I could identify with the most throughout the entire series.

The magic and yet the more difficult things about television shows is the characters are never complete people. They often represent separate parts of the human psyche which makes them easier to put together and tear apart, if necessary. Abby Lockhart (played by Maura Tierney) faced so much hell throughout the series and she still manages to have a sense of humor, albeit a dark one. She stood in front of an armed gunman in Murmurs of the Heart and said, “I knew, I mean, I was positive that happiness was something I was never gonna find… I am just trying to tell you that things can change, they can get better, even if you don’t see it, they can.”

Life left her jaded before her character was fully developed through the seasons. She dealt with alcoholism, divorce, her family’s mental health,  and her own mistakes. And through her story, as long as it spans (about 8 seasons, if I recall), she overcomes. You might find this an odd entry, but if you know me and my love for story and characters, then you understand why. If you don’t, then, to keep it short, I wrap myself up into characters deeply, I analyze and I find parts of myself in them by nature. Some, more than others.

Anyway, the poem and Abby. I remembered this scene after some pondering. Proof that Abby was right. Things do get better. It’s all fiction but it’s a tale of hope nonetheless. Redemption, in a way.

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