It’s amazing how my affect can change from one day to the next. I was feeling good about my decisions and pulling myself out of a two year-long rut. I have learned to cherish these moments because it feels like I’m breathing like someone whose wires aren’t crossed and whose heart isn’t two seconds from stepping off the ledge to the pit of their stomach at a moment’s notice. That was me yesterday.
I woke up with a tinge of the dark creeping in through my veins and typical shotgun anxiety I always wake up with. I readied myself for the day to come as I always do and tried to keep my mind off everything with music as I always do. I arrived at work with little to do and, therefore, a mind to wander, which is dangerous for me. The pre-depression mood is a vulnerable state because anything can send me into a spiral. Anything at all. I was low on energy, too, fighting to stay awake at my desk. I just wanted to close my eyes and let everything around me get blown away like a mandala.
My reactions to certain things change in these states of mind. Things that should bring a smile to my face oft bring back memories or just unwanteed feelings. I can’t explain it. I got a text message from a woman I call “mom”, though we have no biological ties. As she is wont to do, she reminded me she loves me unconditionally. That’s a hard thing for me to take normally but, left vulnerable, I hit bottom and fast into the net of depression wired with the electric current of anxiety. I couldn’t cope. I appreciated the sentiment and still do and I’m not minimizing that, but my reactions cannot be easily controlled.
Of all the ways I’ve learned to cope with mood shifts, there are times where I just have to get away and into an isolated environment where I can find a way to shut my brain off. I left work early and went home.
All this to say, everything has the prospect of changing day to day and sometimes even faster than that. There aren’t many people who take the time or energy to even give a damn. That’s fine. I don’t need that kind of dead weight in my life anymore. Life is hard and heavy enough without fairweather friends. There’s not much fair weather where I’m at.