No Struggle, No Progress

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There has been a lot of change and a lot of talk of change in my life as of late. If you know me well you know I don’t embrace change. In fact, it’s usually something I try to keep at arms’ length if not further for as long as possible. That’s the anxiety talking and it’s got a voice like an M80 in a closed fist. I’ve talked in the past about how I will not allowed myself be defined by my various maladies and health issues. Most recently, I have embraced myself enough to recognize the rut I was in. I read a great quote somewhere that goes, “You can be in a rut. Just don’t decorate.” So, with the anxiety slowly sizzling in the back of my mind I moved towards some change.

This may not seem like much but it’s a big set for me. And this step has actually fueled the other movement in my life towards something new and different, even if it isn’t what I had planned. Man makes plans, God laughs you know.

My plans to go to school in California has been essentially removed from the table at the moment and I can’t say I’m entirely disappointed. Yes, I would love to move to California but the rejection letters haven’t disappointed me as much as I thought they would have. Deep down, I think it was just a way to escape. Escapism is a pet peeve of mine only because I’ve seen it used too many time to outrun problems that require direct address. I guess that’s what I lowered my head and ran head first against recently.

I have since left the church I’ve been attending for six or seven years. There were various reasons, none of which I really feel like airing out here. Those that need to know have been made aware from what I understand. On the suggestion of my parents and my little brother I went to a church near Midtown Omaha. The culture shift as well as the soul shift I felt just being there was as if someone had uncaged something long since left dormant. My therapist pointed out I hadn’t really talked about feeling like a part of a community for quite some time. So much felt right almost immediately, like someone had plugged me into an electrical socket for the first time in forever.

Since then, I have applied for a new job. I was invited to an open house (read: party) at their office and I met a lot of really cool people and ran into some old friends in the process. It was so much more of a relaxed environment. So, I’m praying this job comes through and it pays as much, if not a little more than I make now. It will still be a couple weeks until interviews from what I understand. But I’m patient.

I’ve also gone back to the gym, or been trying to, at least. I haven’t done lifts like the ones I’ve been doing for over a decade. I gave myself dead-legs after doing barbell squats. I couldn’t go from sitting to standing without bracing myself against something for about a week. I’ve since been back and I’m only a little sore. I’m doing alright. I love the iron.

Life seems to be gaining some momentum for me for the first time in a couple of years. I’ve been more or less drifting, trying to figure out what to do with myself. What I discovered about myself is I have to untangle the knots in my life and figure out what’s holding me back or down and try to move away from it. It’s like people and boundaries. You keep the drama at a distance and only keep close the things that are healthy, energizing, and evolution triggers.

I saw a set of eyes my first time at my new church and I kept seeing them. It triggered something in me I couldn’t put my finger on. I’m extremely perceptive and empathic. But this was like someone flipping a switch in my chest that appeared to do nothing even though I know it was connecteed to and turned on something, somewhere. I’ve been trying to breathe through that and try not to obssess. A day at a time is about all I can take anymore.

Still, there are times when I am incapable of being happy for people. My little brother got his first girlfriend. She’s cool. But it always comes back to me. I remember my past and how screwed up it has been. I contemplate how it can be so easy for some but then I remember it takes a very special breed of woman to handle all that comes with me. I don’t know.

I feel 24 at the age of 29. More and more I’m agreeing with the satement, “Age is just a number.” I’m somehow nearing 30 when I don’t even feel like I’ve hit 25. My options are wide open and I’ve nothing to hold me down or deter me from doing whatever I want. Maybe that’s the freedom I need right now; freedom God has given me to figure out the questions I’ve been asking. I’m hitting an environment now I may be able to do that healthily.

I can only hope.

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