There hasn’t been much time for discussion with myself, let alone discourse between my thoughts and paper. Lately, I’ve just been trying to survive the day, balancing the every pulsating rhythm of my generalized anxiety, the mental stress of human interaction draining my loner soul, the stress of getting things done quickly and correctly, and my ability to take time for myself to rehabilitate my psyche amongst the tempest of all of the aforementioned. This, of course, makes me less satisfied with where I am but, at the same time, keeps me going long enough to get home and maybe read a little or watch a little TV before all of it catches up with me like a predatory animal and brings be to the deep waters of unexpected and untimely sleep.
The doctors told me I have borderline narcolepsy.
I think I’ve stayed away from the page because it all would have come out the same. it’s a pet peeve of mine to have to repeat myself for any reason and to just go on and on ad nauseam about the same feelings I have for days, weeks, months, later (it’s actually been over a year) seems like nothing more than an exercise in futility. It’s like running laps on a blacktop track with bare feet in the summer. The path and the feelings are the same no matter how many times you go ‘round it. So, I guess I haven’t seen the point lately. There has not been much I’ve needed to get off my chest that I could deem worthy of writing to you about. I’ve just been so tired.
I decided to take a vacation.
One with no destination, only a route. One where I’ll figure the rest out myself.
I haven’t taken a real vacation probably since before I started college, so about five years. I don’t count the week after graduation because I was so wired shut I couldn’t go anywhere. Not to mention the company I was in which is also the reason I could barely function for over a year. It’s why I still feel this burning from the inside when I stumble upon more supposed truths that turned out to be lies. Since April 2013, eh? No wonder you thought about not coming to visit in May. Things made so much more sense after seeing that. I suppose I should just let it go. My stance hasn’t changed in regards to humanity.
I still find myself walking the fine line between philanthropy and misanthropy. The latter has more weight but I reach for the former because, in my heart, I know that’s where I belong. It’s just so much easier to hate or to be indifferent.
Catharsis was a must after sweating black rivulets of depression and red drops of anxiety from my pores for as long as I did. I’ve been grasping at motion for longer than I can remember and I finally locked my fingers around it and pulled myself into its whirlwind to a place where I can operate without a firm destination, only a general path, an iPod full of music, notebooks, pens, a camera, and a car that’s just been aching for me to take it places it has not seen before. I, too, can feel it in my bones; the sense of freedom and uncertainty is both liberating and unsettling because I am always anxious about the unknown. Hopefully, this will loosen my soul back up and I can remember what it was to breathe again before I had to reteach myself and rediscover my loner’s soul. It has taken me a long time to get back to a near state of equilibrium and I am hoping this will be the final shove in the right direction to get me back to more of myself, to realign myself into something I better recognize.
I have thought a lot about this trip since i roughly mapped it out and I find it almost romantic. I am no Kerouac but I find myself telling stories about myself. When I first thought about taking a road trip for a vacation I immediately saw dry desert in the theatre of my mind and I don’t know why. It’s summer, so it doesn’t seem ideal but I’m always one to follow my heart and sometimes I think God shows me things. It’s happened before. I’ve imagined so much of this trip; I think about what could go right and what could go wrong. In my daytime dreaming I have fallen for a girl along the way and I never come back to this place. Other times I just see myself as the lone wolf wandering aimlessly through the Southwest part of the US. Either way, I think I”ll be happy.
Life has been filled with so much uncertainty lately, it’s been difficult to pin down any sense of direction I may have right now. I think it’s just learning to go with the flow no matter how anxious it may make me that has brought me to this place in my life. I am tied to very little and nothing has gone according to plan since graduating college. I think I’m ready to test the boundaries a little more and hit the road, to chase the setting sun and to find myself in the Spirit of God again. The sun will also rise and, eventually, I’ll chase that too.
P.S. If you’re interested, here’s the general path I’ve laid out. None of this is set in stone.