Time creates all wounds

The hands of the clock like scissors
with the passing of the hours
slicing nicks and lacerations into my
paper frail frame and skin
and I took it like the man
I thought I was supposed to be
and I let the hands of the clock
stitch my many cuts
and started over again.
I never thought of time as a friend
in fact, I never thought it even as friendly
in any sense because I lost count
of how many times you ran
with your hand on the suture
to comfort me and then retract
every sentiment you uttered
the night before
ripping the stitches from mea
and exposing my nerves
to the electric sky
sending tidal waves
of dark, chaotic pain and depression
down my every ending
punctuated with rage.

You ran like a scared child
and disappeared like wonder does with age
Because as time went on I forgot about you.

But I didn’t really forget about you
because you were there when the child in me
saw times of need and what it was to be
abandoned again.
The sins of the father now rest in me
and the times he was gone have taken deep root
in my psyche.
And so while I may have forgotten you
and what you meant
That panic in my gut when I think people
are getting ready to exit the scene
You are there.
You are there along with a long list of people
who have done what you did
but it’s never quite the same as you.

So, after three years of healing
I still struggle but I’d given up on you
The hands on the clock
have washed away your face
and allowed the cracks in my heart to mend
And it’s funny because, when you’re looking for something
you always seem less apt to find it
as if seeking it out creates a lacuna of sorts
But when you stop looking
sometimes the things you want to find
they find you.
And I found you.

Don’t get me wrong
I have no notion that we’ll ever be close
to being close again
The scars that I bear still ooze blood occasionally
and my heart understands forgiveness
but not to that degree or for that amount of time
spent wondering if you’d forgotten me.
And now I wonder if I care.
Obviously more than I expected
since I sat down and wrote this
but
Knowing what I know now
I wonder if anything I do will heal me truly
Or if I’m damned to let the clock tick on
and create new wounds to heal.

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2 thoughts on “Time creates all wounds

  1. Yeshua is One who never leaves, Sunshine. He will always draw nearer to you as you draw nearer to Him. I have not forgotten you or stopped praying for your peace, but I could not be your peace nor you mine and I had to draw nearer to Him myself. I learned a lot about myself from my time with you, mainly that I was seeking many things, including salve for my own fresh and old wounds by being a salve for yours (wasn’t an intentional approach, just something I’ve realized in retrospect)..many things but Him first and some part of me sensed it all along and that is why I was so torn and inconsistent. I was like a human tug-of-war rope and was literally being pulled in different directions in a very real war. You weren’t ultimately one of the main ones doing the real major tugging (though you were used in it), so you are not to blame, I alone am responsible for my actions and failures and blindness. And I am so sorry for the pain I caused you. I may have left in body, but I think you might be surprised to know just how long I desperately hung onto you, clutched you to me, in my heart and every thought in my mind. It was a long time. But I have stood amazed at what God has allowed to happen when I let go. I believe you told me to do that once, you just didn’t realize I would have to do it in the way that I did. You still have a place in my heart now and also my mind when you are put there, but in a different way. The way it needs to be, at least right now. And only now do I sense the boldness to speak. I wonder what it was like for the disciples when Jesus left them and ascended into heaven…I of course am not Jesus or perfect like Him so no parallel there obviously, but He had to leave them because it was the Father’s will but really He didn’t forsake them or stop caring for them, and He promised them a Comforter in His absence. It was the Father’s will for me to bodily exit your life when I did, for both of our sakes and even more for His glory. It was confusing and muddled by my own feelings as heck for me at the time, but things are much clearer now, and all I will say is even though I don’t expect you to trust me, I say as a figure of speech, trust me, it needed to happen. Not just for me, not just for you. For Him. I can see you are still haunted, oppressed by much, and I just urge you to NOT accept the slippery tentacles of darkness and his lies that would have you believe you are doomed to be like a creature of the night who will ever long for light and only get flickers. Depression and pain do NOT have to be a thorn in your side or shackle on your ankle permanent for this life if you are willing/able to recognize it. Please rebuke those spirits that take great pleasure in oppressing you. Our God is a God of freedom from shackles, and He provides us His armor to be warriors for Him and fend off the enemy. Yes, He allows affliction and trials, “thorns,” at times, maybe even long times for refining and molding, or for His glory in some way, but “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” and “Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.” I never really tasted true joy until sometime after I left. That is still a major area with tons of room for growth for me, well every area is probably. But my skipping childlikeness was not true joy or really carefree, it was a facade. I also have learned that God grants me authority to rebuke in His name oppressive spirits that have no right to me or others. I still too often forget to use that authority even now, but any time I do or witness others doing it, I stand in awe at what a difference taking that posture makes over a posture of shrinking in defeat. I am NOT saying this to condemn or preach at you, I don’t know precisely how you are doing in all your struggles, but I just know what He has shown me and is continuing to show me and I can’t just keep it to myself when I am to share it. Please keep looking to Him, He holds the answers and healing, not time or anything or anyone else. You wrote me once that you had come to appreciate the words “I love you” and that you still loved me, just not in some silly romantic fashion. Good, but I say, don’t love me, but love the One who IS Love, the One who is spurring me to say all this, love Him and things above more than ever. Father, please draw this man ever closer to You as you will and allow him to know Your love more than he ever has before. Transform his war torn mind and heart and grant him your grace, peace and joy. Give him the strength to stand against the fiery arrows of the enemy when he needs to and not just take it and keep burning alive with a fire that’s not the refining kind. Thank you for your sovereignty and that you have taken the child that I am (in both good and not so good ways) by the hand and not let it go, even though I’ve had to get used to not usually being able to see much of the path ahead but have seen both wonders and rocky detours along the way nonetheless and I know more are coming. Guide this man as well where you would lead him. Place those in his life you would have be there and remove those you would have removed. Reveal any shackles and see them removed as You will, Lord. You have told us that in this world we will have trouble, including rejection, abandonment, persecution, malice, slander, jealousy, and whatnot, but You have already overcome it, You and Your Sovereign glory are above all! Thank you for even thinking to use lowly and even broken earthen vessels such as us to somehow further Your glory and allowing us to be made new when we submit ourselves to You and no other. Keep it coming, Lord. Amen. And shalome.

    • I’m happy that you’ve moved with your life.

      But you have a startling knack for telling me things I already know.

      ברכות ושלם
      -ירמיהו

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