I wish you could see

I wish you could see
what I see
as I step outside this building
It’s full-dark night time
I wish the autumn air could kiss your cheeks.

The full moon with
his surprised face
looking down at me
like we’ve never met before
but I see him every night
when I step out
to see the cars on the freeway
lights shining on sequined windows
scattering light like disco balls.

I can look down and see the night;
see her
see me
see her jealousy
but stands still in the breeze
hoping to captivate me
I take a deep breath as one
who has been here before
as I step away from the light’s periphery
And the night accepts me
as her own blood
whispering love songs on
the whim of the wind

But tonight I’m not listening
to anything the wind says
cause I’ve heard what she says
after spending too many years
chasing it.
For me,
tonight it’s the percussion
of my Harley boots and wallet chain
And Jose Gonzalez
plucking his guitar strings and singing
about crosses all over the boulevard
Some nights it’s hard to listen
and not watch my eyes tear up
from the inside
Tonight I’m really trying
As I continue on my track
with my head down to somehow
save my momma’s poor back
But that’s not what’s haunting me
Not some simple superstition

Though it seems the darkness
has embraced and given me an aura
because the streetlights
go out as I pass
One by one
A statue of liberty and its cohort
holding their torches blindly asking
for your poor, your weak and your hungry
And I told them “That’s me…
just not physically but spiritually”
but they just keep chanting it like a
metal, malformed mantra
empty like their light bulbs.

I’m back around to the front
and I wish you could see me
enveloped by the dark
and inhaling the exhaust fumes
deep within me
It’s been months since
I’ve felt like this
Black as my outside
And black as my lungs were.
I haven’t smoked in months
‘Cuz I thought when I was done
I would breathe easy
As the anxiety crushes my chest
like a fist made of boulders
“What a lie,” I tell myself
As I’m making laps at night around my office building
Like a hamster on a wheel
Which feels eerily like my job description
if I’m trying to be honest.

Honestly?
My life is becoming too much like
Miss Night Sky;
All that dark with little specks of light.
her pretty eyes
All winking down
Reminding me that the
night wants to save me
But she can’t
And she knows it
But keeps on going
Because it’s all she knows.

I wish you could see me
in the middle of this parking lot
giving my back to the moon
as he ceaselessly hurls his beams
as the sweat unfurls from my skin
and soaks my clothes to the stitch
As I try with all my might
to shrug off the weight of the world
Which is impossibly hard to do
with a heavy heart
And I eventually admit defeat
and do another lap around
this giant, ill-lit, fishbowl, concrete room

As I pass I pass I keep my eyes at the cross
visible only from the southeast corner
Even as my feet turn to concrete and crack with each step.
I’m falling apart.
And I wish you could see.

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