I think I have some severe trust issues.
Really, I just have a huge problem with asking for help. I’m also really bad at letting people into my world so they know how I’m feeling. I don’t know if maybe it should be obvious to them or what but I have often been told and even just recently that I’m really bad at letting people know how I’m feeling, especially when darkness takes over. But social withdrawal is a symptom of depression so I guess it’s really not my fault now, is it?
I could tell you, I could give you pages upon pages of description and dialogue I have with myself when things go dark. I could paint you pictures, put on movies or records that exemplify just how it is I’m feeling. But the one thing i’ve never mastered is the ability to straight out tell someone how I’m feeling that day or that my depression is getting to me or that my anxiety is has me so high strung You could play my tendons like stringed instruments.
Most people don’t know the days where I’m barely holding it together.
Lately that hasn’t been an issue, thankfully. But there have been days.
I ponder the reasons why I don’t share this information with people close to me and mostly it comes down to not wanting to burden people. I know that’s a ridiculous response but when I think of people I want to call or talk to I think of what they’re doing and they’re lives and since I feel like I can’t make heads or tails of what’s going on in my head, how can I take them away from their friends or family. Granted, if they’re good enough friends they shouldn’t care. But it’s something I struggle with.
The other reason that readily comes to mind is an issue of trust. I’ve been dealing with depression for 10 years and the diagnosis of Bipolar II for about six. I did a lot of research on the latter diagnosis and found a lot of data on how stigmatized mental illness is out there in the real world. People will pretend to be okay with it but there’s still discrimination. I know, just in my personal experience, I’ve heard people, off the cuff, say, “Oh, he/she must be bipolar or something”. I try not to take offense to this but it’s difficult.
The worst is when people you trusted use it against you. I realize that’s a danger even of this blog because it is open to the public and so anyone can see it. I had (past tense) a friend who found out I called him a drama queen and so I got three voice mails that were nothing but him insulting me and in the end he told me I better not blame it on “Being Bipolar, or whatever”.
So, I have some trust issues.
But there’s a catch to that. I know myself well enough to know when something is really wrong and I need to talk to someone or get help. If you are suffering, as someone with lots of experience in this area, I would urge you to please seek help from someone. I have a lot of baggage that I am working through and am seeking help professionally and from people I trust. I also seek comfort in prayer when I remember to.
Do not go at this alone.