August 19, 2012
There are days I wished I lived in a monastery.
There are days when I cannot stand the way I feel, much less control it, that I want to go find a cloister somewhere and lock myself in with nothing but a lot of good books, my Bible, a notebook and pen, and my reading glasses. Just give me a small place to sit, read, pray, write and ponder and I think I’d be set for decent amount of time. That is, as long as you give me food and water and maybe a space to workout in.
I don’t ask for much. But sometimes I feel like I’d be better off alone and my needs would be met that way. Everybody has their schedules and I’m more of a reclusive type so it’s hard for me to request some of their time. I always feel like I’m imposing or that I’ll get in the way. All my friends have other friends or wives or kids these days and here I have, well, nothing.
That is not to seek a pity party. Far from it. But I wanted to entertain the idea not just in my head that I feel like like some days I would be better off in my own personal cell where I could read and create s I saw fit and I wouldn’t have to worry about bills, expectations, schedules. And there wouldn’t be so many things to trigger my sometimes out of control emotional responses that, even at 26, I have not quite managed a way to control them.
For instance, I’ve been depressed almost all day. I passed the time by watching about 5 episodes of Supernatural and then read some of Inspiration and Incarnation by Peter Enns and See a Grown Man Cry, Now Watch Him Die by Henry Rollins. I may have played a little guitar too, which will probably be a whole other entry in itself. But the point is I had the house to myself, completely. I could do whatever I wanted free of everything and everyone.
And that took off some of the stress for the day.
While it may be Tuesday the 21st when you read this, know that classes began the 20th and my schedule is going to be hectic. It’s making me consider being monastic even more so. I don’t know. I’ve been begging for someone to get me out of here for a long time.
It just hasn’t happened yet.