August 12, 2012

I stepped into church for the first time in two months today.

There was probably a time where if you would have asked me whether or not I would have missed that much church ever I probably would have told you there would be no way. Well, I did. For the reason of sleep I missed two months worth of church services at my home church that’s not 3 miles from my house.

In a strange way I didn’t miss it.

I think I missed it for all the wrong reasons. These are things that are somewhat important but maybe not the only reason to go to church. I have a lot of friends there and I have quite a bit of history there in the three or so years I’ve been attending. So, there were people there I missed seeing since I didn’t see them outside of church. Just like anywhere that you establish a network of friends you are going to be missed and, if your life is as bereft of social activity as mine, it’s about the only place outside of work I get to see people that aren’t my family.

I missed being cared about on a large scale like that. So many people whom I hadn’t seen since the last time I was there came up to me or said “hi”. My church isn’t that big so it’s hard for people to not know who you are and what’s going on in your life. It also doesn’t help that the pastor is one of your best friends.

I’ve got a lot of moms at my church. Not necessarily older women but people who have kids of their own who are my friends but can’t help but mother hen me just a little bit. Being a bit of a mama’s boy, having someone treat you like their kid is welcome every now and again. There are also men who are there like fathers. One of our elders is usually out greeting and he didn’t wait for me to get to the door. He walked out to me and, foregoing our usual firm handshake, he gave me a hug and told me it was good to see me.

Maybe it’s not the wrong reasons. Maybe it’s the right reasons for today.

I don’t remember what the sermon was about except there was something in there about delighting in Christ and the passage was out of James. I honestly didn’t miss the sermon or the worship so much. I realize I’ve spent the last two months either tired or miserable and almost all that time by myself it made me realize that today was probably supposed to be more about the people and the friendships and actually being relational at a level I haven’t been in a long time.

And now I wonder to myself if my hiatus from people, my fast and short trip through hell with (legal) drug withdrawals weren’t meant to sort of reset the part of me that gauges my social activity and adjust my energy level accordingly. I don’t know. There have been so many questions since I stopped taking Seroquel that every facet of my life I newly approach elicits one or two new questions.

Someday, I’ll get answers.


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