August 6, 11:45 AM
After this much time, I shouldn’t be surprised at how fast things change.
If you’ve been keeping up with me the last week or so that I’ve been faithfully keeping up with my blog you know things have not been the greatest or even good for that matter. Lack of sleep, rapid-cycling moods and terrible, terrible anxiety and depression have almost completely wrecked my life in almost every aspect except for a few good relationships that I still have. Thank God.
I can remember going to bed and praying, “God, please let this be done with. Let the withdrawal symptoms go away and let me get some uninterrupted sleep.” I wanted things to go back to as normal as humanly possible for me at least so I didn’t have to worry so much about my job and doctors and all of the fun things that go along with my life. I remember praying this a few times before I’d go to bed. I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for.
That is, until the last couple of nights.
Saturday night I went to bed around 1:30-2:00 AM in hopes of making it to church for the first time int at least a couple of months. That didn’t happen. I woke up before my alarm which was way too early for me. I shut it off and went back to sleep, waking up just before noon. I haven’t slept past 9:30 in weeks. There was some fitfulness that night and so I was pretty exhausted by days end. It still beat the nights of waking up every hour or two. Then there was last night.
Since I don’t have a powerful mood stabilizer to rely on for sleep onset I’ve been relying on diphenhydramine (Benadryl) and melatonin to help me sleep. I also discovered something interesting and I don’t know if it actually works but I was desperate so I’ve been listing to binaural beats as I’m trying to fall asleep. Supposedly, the frequencies used alter your brainwaves to prepare it for sleep. I’m not sure if there’s any fact to it but I have used it the past couple of nights and have fallen asleep within or somewhere around the 15 minutes the track takes to complete. It’s calming to listen to nonetheless so I use it.
And this morning I woke up once. And that was 8 hours after I had gone to bed. I got up and did my workout, having the energy and drive to do it for the first time in three days and it feels great. I won’t lie to you, I am still feeling a bit tired. I can feel it in my eyes. But my panic mode over the status of my job and having to deal with doctors has been suspended at least for today.
And that’s the thing I have to remember. With all the stuff I have to worry about in the future: my last year of college, getting my bachelors, my plan to ship off to Seattle afterwards to attend graduate school, relationships and such. That’s all good and things to strive for but for now I have to “take it day by day, one step at a time.”
What new hope will the day bring?