August 6, 2012
Professionals will tell you that mood swings in Bipolar II patients are set off by some sort of trigger. One of my professors, a counselor by trade, described it as an overreaction to emotional stimuli. Most of the time, I would have to agree with that description.
But I have yet to find a trigger for my depression.
Lately, I’ve been feeling more and more down and a lot of it has to do with my depression. One particular night I was feeling down and was extremely tired. Someone very dear to me was kind enough to call me rather than our usual texts (though the reason escapes me as I was feeling somewhat level at that point). But as the conversation grew it became more and more apparent that i was breaking down.
I tried to be strong but she’s very perceptive, even over the phone.
She noticed a shift in my breathing and asked me if I was okay. This just sent everything into overdrive. I can distinctly remember a point in the conversation where I was just staring at the ceiling in such emotional agony that I didn’t think the moment would ever end. That’s the great lie of depression, you know? That the misery, the sadness, the pain will never end. It takes time.
And sometimes it just takes talking about it with someone.
But I’m a seasoned veteran with this kind of thing. I’ve talked to a lot of people about my depression and how deep it can get and some have even been there for it. They never looked at me or talked to me the same. So, I’m often wary about letting people know that I’m hurting even if I trust them because I’m afraid it’ll burden them and their lives, they’ll never understand, they’ll never treat me the same again or they’ll just never want to talk to me again.
But God bless her, she’s stuck with me. And I hope she knows how much that means to me because I’m not sure that I can put it into words, at least not adequately enough to put here. Blessed are those who don’t try to fix that which is meant to be broken.