August 1, 2012
Today was an off day. I didn’t sleep well last night and I woke up with that same old, awful feeling I’ve been trying to escape the last couple of weeks and to no avail. I woke up before my alarm that was supposed to go off at 10 AM and just could not will myself out of bed to go do my workout which actually may have pulled me out of the grey skies I was living under. I even turned on the light which sometimes helps since my room is almost completely dark even during the day. Still no luck. So, I tossed and turned some more trying to squeeze some more sleep and hopefully a better mood out of myself. Yeah right.
But just like you can’t squeeze blood from a stone you cannot pull a good mood out of this bipolar bear.
Work was out of the question. I know some people think its a cop-out and I should just tough it out an deal with it because it’s not that bad, right? I am currently the least medicated I have been in over five years and detoxing off a mood stabilizer isn’t exactly doing anything pretty for the stability of my moods and my moods fluctuating do not do me a bit of good while I’m at work. I interact with people all day, angry people usually. So, in order to keep my job I play it safe sometimes to help me in the long run. So, put down the haterade, alright?
So, I stayed home today and bombarded myself with stupid television, you know, let the RPM’s in my brain settle down into the level where it almost dies. And then I came downstairs and did my workout for the day. I did doubles on Monday and Cardio yesterday so I was pretty sore. Not certain I’ll do doubles again today. At least not yet. I’ve been trying to mix up the music a little bit, try to find stuff that keeps me moving and my mind off things. Today it was Rollins Band’s “Nice” and Pantera’s “Vulgar Display of Power”. I should have switched the order of the two because I only got through about half of Vulgar Display but it was on long enough for me to hear the song, “Live in a Hole” as I was cooling down. What a totally righteous jam. I was totally feeling it:
Full of grief I scream at the wind
Thought I heard the words of others
And stay in a shell
I won’t let you in to have a story to tell
Things tend to drag me down
Don’t understand so they hate me now
My fear grips the will of stone
My grip fears I’ll die alone
I promised myself somewhere in the teenage life
I’d never submit to the ones I will not be like
Live in a hole
But stay close to my kind
Cause they understand what burns in my mind
I still feel incomplete
Friends are few and far between
I feel like I’ve been writing about being isolated and alone a lot lately. Maybe a lot of it is in my head and so I my hopes is that people won’t read this and think something horrible is happening. Quite the contrary, something wonderful is happening. I’m cutting away the fat and some of that is in my head. Bad thoughts, bad cognitive processes, things I need to discard from my mind. I’ve had a lot of darkness up in there for a long time and now it’s slowly seeping out. If you can’t handle it, I’m not sorry but this is who I really am, who I am becoming. And maybe that will change with the weather but, for now, I am the blacklight in the darkroom.
So, where is God in all of this? I’m a Christian I should always keep my head in that space, I know, even though sometimes I feel like I’m doing this all by myself… I kept hearing in my head this segment of a verse I didn’t know fully, it said, “Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die!” I just figured it was my memory doing what it does just as it does with song lyrics and lines from movies and such. But as I sat to write this I decided to look it up and discovered it was from a pretty big discourse written by Paul in 1 Corinthians 15. I won’t bother to go into detailed exegesis because I’ll get plenty of that in a couple weeks when school starts. But, basically, it’s talking about the resurrection and its implications in our faith.
Basically, if Christ didn’t raise from the dead we are wasting our time. If the dead aren’t raised then, “let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die!” Let us keep focusing on ourselves because we could die tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter.
Like a hammer between the eyes.