July 30, 2012
Depressed again. Welcome back, my friend. It’s times like these I can’t help but recall the song “Old Friend” by Rancid. The song takes me back quite a ways. Back when I didn’t have a car but my best friend did. We would rarely leave our home town but we would tear through the roads paved for the subdivisions that hadn’t been built yet. The tape deck was our friend since my friend only had a part time job working at a party goods store at the outlet mall we’d both end up working for through the duration of high school and even beyond that, I think. But we’d listen to CD’s that had been dubbed to cassette. One of our favorites was always Rancid’s “… And Out Come the Wolves”. Even now I can hear it through the crappy speakers of that old mid-90’s Grand Prix and our terrible voices singing along with Tim and Lars and the sounds of the East Bay.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. Not nearly as long as its been since I went cruising in the blue Grand Prix, a car I’m fairly certain died years ago, but it’s been a while. It’s like a weight has been hooked to the top-most ribs on both sides and connected to a weight that pulls down past my sternum. The iron is fire hot and the weight is made of lead so my chest burns and there is almost a sickening feeling to it. Not in the physical sense, I guess, though there is that physical component. This part is always the most difficult to describe or understand. So, understand that it feels like someone kicked me in the chest again and I’m still reeling from it. And my eyes are on burning in their sockets; they’re tired and are telling me I could go to bed right now. I really could go to bed right now if I had the chance.
I can’t focus. My eyes will focus but my mind will not focus on the task at hand. Its hard enough to stay on topic when I’m writing but this is proving more difficult than usual. I struggle to finish sentences sometimes like the words are catching on the way out of my brain and to my mouth. I took a call at work and I think the agent I talked to was a little confused by my inability to convey what it was I wanted to say. So, I awkwardly finished the call and hung up. I shouldn’t feel this way. I tell myself I should be able to function just fine but I’ve found I’m really good at proving myself wrong.
It’s difficult to find meaning in all of this. I feel like God’s testing me but sometimes I think it’s all just pointless and meaningless like I’m getting grilled for absolutely no reason at all. That is, other than the broken brain chemistry that I was given the advantage of having to deal with for the rest of my life. You’d think I’d be bitter but when you don’t know any different it’s really hard to be jealous of someone else and their less than mercurial nature. It could also be a lot worse. There are a lot of people who are worse off than I am in this department. That’s how I choose to look at it, anyway. Not that my line of thinking always works but I have to try of something otherwise I’d go crazy… too late.