The Assembled Broken Pieces Part II

GOD it feels like I
have not SLEPT for weeks…
again…
Haha…
But you see, this time I know
the reason why I’m not sleeping
It’s slowing seeping from my pores
as a poison or a toxin or, in my case
a pill I’ve taken for over five years.

I’m not crazy per se, just wired
a little differently.
I know this ins and outs of my psyche
its good, bad and ugly
We have not come down
to a final showdown, blondie
but admittedly I swallow
your bullets daily
hoping for a different outcome
until I feel the lead dissolve
in my blood and poison me,
bring me into a state of somnolent
apathy and eventually
my eyes refused to stay open
several times in the morning,
noon, nighttime
during waking hours
and I wonder to myself what
I did to deserve this.

One pill to make me sleep,
one pill to keep me awake
and when I wake up
to my heart racing
one pill to keep my heart
from giving out
and one pill to keep panic
from setting in.

Pharmaceuticals. Haha.
I’ve seen the face of too many
prescription pads now to
medicate me, you and some others
for a life time.
Keep those pills around for long enough
and soon they’ll want you around forever,
making them a part of you
for that sick sense of chemical dependency
that brought me here to these words
in the first place.
And I haven’t slept for weeks
because I cut one pill out of my life
It’s a lot like a breakup
with tears and emotional fits
where everything turns dark sometimes
and no one can be trusted.

God, I hadn’t felt this crazy in five years
when I first met this pill.
She lulled me into a false sense of sleep
until she wanted me there all the time
like the neediest girl you ever had,
trying to pull you under and keep you there
with her.
So, I’ve been working her out of my system
and there have been many sleepless nights
where I wake up only hours after falling asleep
feeling sick and defeated.

It spills into my days
where my mind moves slower
than Iowa drivers on the interstate
And I hate. I hate. I hate.
Nothing can be right but
only sometimes can I see the light.
I worry too much and it grinds
like a hacksaw to a log
that I’m not sawing at night
and the sheep are all grazing,
the chewing sound is driving me crazy
Mornings are hazy and nights
bring exhaustion to the table
but I can’t close my eyes anymore
without the assurance of actual sleep.

I’m tired.
I feel like I haven’t slept. Ever.

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