I don’t get it

My dear, my dear,
the winds are CHANGING
and the inclement weather,
you know the one that
chills me to the bone and
leaves me feeling
barren, frozen desert–
that’s one ‘s’ because
you only want to go there once
and yet I’m there all the time
it seems like–
Its clouds, they have lifted
in a sense that everything
is only slightly hazy
and the pendulum in my head
is no longer swinging from
one extreme to the next like
time’s endless joke is being played
on me
perpetually and continuously
but I’m so used to the temperature
CHANGING that I just accept it
and dress appropriately.

Right now,
I’m no longer
Runnningaroundincircles in my HEADand there’sjustnotellingwhat’s
goingtocomeupnext. Ijustknowthateverythingiscollapsingquicklyand
runningatapacethat’snolongeracceptablycomfortable. Oh,God,ohGod
makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop. MY headpreparingtosplatterits contents
alloverthisroomlikesplatterpainsplatterpaintsplatterohitdoesn’tmatter
anymorei’lljustsithereandwaititoutandtheseimagesinmyheadwillsoon
runoutofsteamorillrunoutofsteamsteamishot,burnsthebabyohGodhelpme
ican’tfocusbeyondtheimmediateanditsslowlytryingtokillme killme kill me kill

me
I am no longer that
me.

But it’s as if things
have

slowed

down.

The truth is
I am not the man I used to be
and I can’t decide
if it’s the cure or the poison
that’s poisoning me.
I just know everything suddenly
makes sense and
I think sometimes the best things
have no explanations.
It’s just God’s way of letting me know
“Hey, I see you’ve been paying
attention.”

Yeah.
I have.
And I am thankful for the calm
you have given me
in the time where my life has been
ripped, torn, stepped on and worn away
I am standing here in your grace
and I am breathing this cold air
in the end of December
when everything always falls down
for me.
I am able
to finally stand
and make peace with the winter wind
who has a history of pumping
these veins
full of ice.
But I am a flame in the cold,
I am untouched and unfaltering
and I don’t understand it.
Why now?
Why?

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