To My Future Wife

To my future wife:

I feel as if I’m being a bit presumptuous
and not the least bit humble as I begin
to write this but I feel I must let you know
there is a part of me that aches,
longs for the connection in our
interlocked fingertips
and your head against my chest
since you’ll probably be
much shorter than I.
At least that’s how I imagine you
as I pray for you on your path
towards me and mine towards you.

I’ve been feeling pretty LONELY lately
as I watch men leave their mother and
father and
cling to their
wife.
That’s the most BEAUTIFUL picture
two people can paint in this life
As the MAN loves his wife like CHRIST
does the church.
But I find it difficult to find JOY in all of it
I guess I’m just tired of falling in love
then falling to the ground time in and.
TIME OUT.

This was supposed to be a note to
my beautiful wife
because surely she’ll be BEAUTIFUL
in my eyes
But I want her and God to know
that I’m
putting some thought and heart into it
even before I meet her.
It’s just that a large part of me
is still UNBELIEVABLY bitter.

So, to my future wife
I want you to know that
I’ve done lots of things wrong
and for all things remembered
I have REPENTED and asked
for forgiveness through the blood
of the bridegroom to our Father in HEAVEN
who has since dubbed me
and hopefully you one of his CHILDREN
and so, my sister I HOPE you’ll be able
to SEE past the deepest of my evil deeds
and see me DRAPED IN WHITE
even though, on the outside I
have dipped my toes in the opposite
and come out looking physically
blackened.

TEN YEARS AGO
I developed this belief inside of myself
that I wasn’t built to be loved and
as I stood on the OUTSIDE of social circles
I started proving myself right
and then FIVE YEARS AGO
I had walked away from the faith that formed me
and walked on into that DARK night
Into the ARMS of WOMEN who were not you
and teasing the line between what was and wasn’t SIN
and then ending it all when everything rang
too close to my heart and
eventually came back BROKEN by the truth
Then, finally THREE YEARS AGO I said hello
to someone who played my heart
like a yo-yo and I swore never again
to fall FLAT on my FACE to bow down to the idol
this confused generation has made
relationships between women and men
Somehow, this map got FLIPPED
and now our compass points ANY direction but right
it just SPINS like some SICKENING
and unhealthy GAME show.

So, dearest wife to be
I have been alone since then
and some days I’m READY
for you to be here but if I’m
HONEST and ask myself why
It’s because I’m sick of watching
the STUPID GAMES that people
around me play with each other’s hearts and souls
like if you pick them up and DROP THEM
they’ll bounce against the pavement
and be no less DAMAGED from the
down and up, the up and down

HOW DARE WE?
How can we treat each other like this?
Did Christ teach us all
“Blessed be YOURSELVES for yours
will be the kingdom to which you feel entitled?
Blessed are the greedy for they’ll
inherit the desire of their hearts and minds?”
I cannot buy into this,
sweetheart.
And so maybe it’s best if you keep your
distance until I can clean up this
MESS inside me

DEAR GOD
help me dismantle this poorly assembled heart
I have long since grown out of the games
But that doesn’t mean they haven’t, at one time
been played but I’m so sorry
I didn’t trust you sooner to put all things right
Though you’ve already made yer peace with all things
I have not made peace with the pieces of things
inside me.

So, to my future wife
I’m sorry I wrote this for you
since it’s not the love letter you deserve
but it’s the love letter that has already been written
In the beginning.
With the word
And that’s better than any trite word I could
type or write down in spite of myself.
My prayer is that you will keep your head up
And your heart strong
Because long and hard is the way to the light.
Keep it tall and high so I can see it
in the darkness that threatens to surround
every hour of every day

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