My heart is fueling a storm in my head. Conducting electrical currents like explosions in the veins in my eyes so I can understand the red I see when the elephant in the room takes a seat on my chest. Now if only I could get him increase his altitude just slightly so I can breathe out the so many words contained in the bottom of my lungs.
Now listen to the silent violins in my fingertips…
If I wanted to tell you the truth I’d need your ears to open to it first. My feelings are not meant for the tiny space you’ve made by pushing junk back even tighter into the space more of your stuff already consumes. You don’t want to take the time to connect to my heart so I guess that’s fine. You’re one of millions in a one-in-a-million kind of way. This shouldn’t surprise me. However, it does disappoint me. A lot. It feels like the elephant sat directly to the left of center of my chest, like he was able to focus his weight in that hand-sized space, snapping ribs from the sternum like stripping branches from a sapling. That’s what it means when I tell you my heart feels heavy.
Heavy in the ways you are not. In fact, when I see you, I see light and it’s the strangest thing in the world y’all because, normally when you see the light you know what it means. Yeah, I see you, I see light and I don’t know what to think of myself. Maybe it’s because you bring out the best and the brightest in me without either of us trying and I wish I knew what that meant. But more than that I wish there were people like that around me all the time so maybe I wouldn’t have to resort to tears so much. It’s just that, right now, I feel like I don’t have a whole lot of choices. So, I fight.
It’s like that scene in Say Anything when Lloyd is sparring at the gym, practicing his kickboxing skills. This is after Diane has claimed she loved him and then pushed him away because of daddy issues. Lloyd, at this point, has tried everything he can to get her back including that famous scene where he holds up a boombox with that Peter Gabriel song playing loud outside her bedroom window only to get to response from her. Y’all, he has tried everything and you’re left to believe that he has decided to live with it. This all converges on a scene of him kickboxing. It seems all his focus is in the moment, on what he’s doing and that’s where I feel like I am. The gloves are on and I’m fighting and, while it would be easy to give up, I am not even close to there. If you’ve seen the movie, you know that Diane walks into the gym and he loses focus, gets his nose broken and hope is restored in his life. I’m waiting for something to take my focus off the fight.
I suppose now I should talk about God and how he is working in my life. The answer is that I don’t know. I don’t get why 9.9 days out of 10 I feel like life is treating me like garbage is an appropriate means of getting me somewhere and I’ve asked why but I’m ok with not getting an answer. That still has not stripped away the fact that I continue to live for Him the best I can because it’s what I do and I can’t do anything else. Call that blind faith or ridiculous or what have you but I would first ask that you take a step into my shoes and walk a mile or two and see what it feels like to get discouraged by almost every facet of your life. Let’s see how your heart holds up.
It’s back into the ring next week. Maybe it’ll take my mind off the fact that there’s an elephant on my chest and he doesn’t want to move. Maybe I’ll forget the friends I miss, the pursuit of my own happiness and maybe, just maybe I’ll survive another round.