My broken, tired hands can’t build a thing.


Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in.

The truth is, I had purposed myself to put something resembling a substantive post on this thing because I’m sure that all zero of the people who read this are getting really tired of my poetry.  I know I am.  You can only assemble words in strange structures so many times before your brain calls it quits and begs for some other form of relief.  Because I felt like writing and didn’t have anything near poetic in mind, I thought that I would do what most bloggers do with their blogs and post the everyday kind of stuff.  It will be a nice stretch for me to have to construct paragraphs with actual punctuation and make actual sentences with punctuation and everything and, this is vitally important, no enjambment!  That’s right, I will not be chopping what I write into sentence fragments and then hope you understand what it is I’m trying to say.

But then again, I don’t really care if you understand in a sense because I write most everything I do for my own purposes and no one else’s.  Why post it on here? It’s cathartic and this way I’m not forcing people to read it by shoving it under their noses.  You don’t get honest responses that way in my experience.

Anyways, let’s talk about the every day a bit, shall we?  For the last two weeks or so I have been on Christmas break from school.  I feel like a fool because everyone should like taking a break, shouldn’t they?  Not this bear.  I don’t know why, but my life seems so much less complicated when I’m operating on a schedule that keeps me running from when I get up until I need to go to bed.  I don’t mind the stress too much and I actually feel like I’m accomplishing something.  So, for me this is just a lot of time for my mind to wander into whatever topics it likes regardless of what I’m doing otherwise.

What does not assist me in this is what has been dubbed a Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Honestly, I’ve been pretty depressed these last few weeks for almost no reason at all.  I’m used to this though, so I’m able to work through it and function in spite of the fact that I feel like I’m not going anywhere at all.  It’s a sickness, to be sure and it has got the best of me a few times in the last month or so.  I can recall at least twice having absolutely no energy and laying on the floor, not wanting to get up.  Understand this, I’m not looking for pity so put that away if you brought it out.  I don’t want it nor do I need it.  I have accepted that this will happen to me and it will continue to do so until they find some sort of better treatment for me or I die after a long life.

But there have been some things that have been really kind of dragging me down and it all has to do with life.  For the past few months I have been dealing with the issue of my grandfather dying from cancer.  This is not a pleasant thought and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever hard to watch.  He went from being a man who would be on the golf course regardless of his physical condition, weather or whatever to a withered, frail shell of a man.  It was like time lapse. Every time I saw him he got a little bit worse until he finally passed away yesterday morning at about 4:45 AM.  Thankfully, his wife, daughter (my mom) and son were there when he finally did breath his last.

It was encouraging but also very sad because it was very obvious he was afraid at first.  He wasn’t sure what the end of his life had in store for him.  But thank God he had some very good talks with my mom and my pastor and other people who told him that he was going home when this was done, that Jesus would be there to take him into his Father’s house.  And the beautiful part of the story is that he understood and accepted it before he went.  And he went peacefully; an answer to everyone’s prayers.  It has just made me think how we all, in our own way, yearn for eternity.  If we know God and Jesus we have our answer, the uncertainty of the future is dissolved and our priorities become unbelievably clear.  For me, having now experienced the death of a close family member, am now faced with my thoughts on eternity and now I am asking myself if in my heart I yearn for eternity as I should.

Because, believe it or not, just as we were all built for worship I think we were all built to yearn for that eternity that we may not understand.  But at our very core we want to live past this life where sin and death reign over our mortal bodies and meet us at our every step on the path with designs to drag us away from what God has laid down for us.  Even for those who don’t believe in God or Jesus there is still that question of eternity.  I don’t think even the most hard-nosed, stiff-necked, staunch atheist has not struggled with their own mortality on a metaphysical level at one point or another.  They must have had to reason through the option of Theism and an eternal life as described by the Bible to come to their conclusions that, by reason alone, God cannot exist. The irony is that the answer to the question of God is staring them in the face everywhere they go.  But, perhaps, I digress.

So, as things stand right now I will be one of six pallbearers in the funeral.  I’ve got my suit ready to go and everything. That was one of the very odd parts about this whole ordeal.  The Doctors finally gave us a timeframe as to when we could expect Grandpa to pass and so we spent a lot of time getting things ready for it.  To me there was just something a tad bit strange about planning a funeral for someone who hadn’t died yet. It’s one of those things that I will trip over logically every time. But it was extremely helpful in the end, I suppose.  Everything was set up before he passed and so all that was left to do was prepare his body and notify everyone about the plans.

A funeral in itself is an interesting scene. It is a bunch of people gathering around a dead body in a box, understandably, mourning the person they’ve lost.  Since the person’s not there, I’ve never really understood the idea of an open casket or even the casket being there in general.  It’s kind of creepy in a sense because you’re looking at an empty  shell, essentially.  Can’t one mourn without the presence of the body? I’m pretty sure I can do that without a cadaver.  I mean, I’ve been thinking over this funeral business for a while because I’ve had to and I thought of a few things.

I made a video with some pictures for the visitation and I had to choose the music for it.  Now, my mom wanted to use some contemporary Christian songs that really did convey the message that needed to be conveyed.  However, my stance was that if we are going to use music we will not play on peoples’ emotions because there’s going to be a lot of sad people there already.  I have the same problem with worship music at youth events too but we won’t get into that at the present moment.  So, we decided on three songs that I think made the video perfect and that’s what we rolled with.  None of them are really sad, sorrowful songs, but ones that really convey the message of sadness, acceptance and rejoicing despite our loss. The following songs (in order) are what we landed on:

  1. Johnny Cash – “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”
  2. Flogging Molly – “Grace of God Go I”
  3. Flogging Molly – “If I Ever Leave This World Alive”

Check those songs out if you get a chance.  They’re pretty amazing by themselves and I felt they really captured the feelings we, as a family, wanted to convey about the death of the patriarch of the clan, Arnold August John Gebers.

So, that turned out not to be so every day but more of an actual thought.  Don’t get too comfy with that.  I’m not usually this focused.

On an unrelated note, I ended up in the hospital again today.  I was going to Scribner and stopped for food with my brother when my heart started acting funny.  It started beating really irregular, like Josh Freese was playing the drum intro to “It’s a Fact” in my chest.  I’d felt this feeling before so I tried to ignore it and ordered my food.  It started to make me feel a little odd and so I sought advice from my dad as he is a licensed paramedic.  He thought that if I felt it necessary, then I should probably go to the ER and get it checked out.  So, I did.  They did some preliminary examinations and the doctor, with just a stethoscope, said that the heart rhythm was off.

So, they bled me and hooked me up to an EKG.  Turns out I had Atrial Fibrillation.  So, in case you were wondering, this is what the American Heart Association has to say about A-Fib (full article here):

Atrial fibrillation is a disorder found in about 2.2 million Americans. During atrial fibrillation, the heart’s two small upper chambers (the atria) quiver instead of beating effectively. Blood isn’t pumped completely out of them, so it may pool and clot. If a piece of a blood clot in the atria leaves the heart and becomes lodged in an artery in the brain, a stroke results. About 15 percent of strokes occur in people with atrial fibrillation.

This was really interesting to me and the cardiologist because she wasn’t really sure what was causing it.  So, I’ve been asked to take it easy on the caffeine which shouldn’t be difficult, quit smoking which I have been half-heartedly been trying to do for a while now, and take aspirin every day.  So, I’ve been tasked with improving my health yet again because of a health issue that has put me in the hospital. Let’s hope it doesn’t become a pattern.

So, that is the total amount of my insanity that I wish to share with you at this current point in time.  Leave your interesting comments, questions or responses in the comment section below.  Until next time.

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