Controlling change after the fact before it… forget it

You know, I’m happy to reconnect with people and happy to hear that they’ve decided to come back into my life or vice versa.  It’s been a joy in the last few years to go back and find people that I’ve stopped talking to for one reason or another because I used to be really good at cutting people out of my life and chalking it up to everything else in my life, rationalizing it away because that’s the thing to do when you want it to go away: rationalize it.

God designed in me one fatal problem with doing that to people.  I don’t forget people.  I can’t.  It can become almost a sick obsession to me because I just cannot let people just up and disappear.  There are people I choose to keep out of my life on a permanent basis because they are not good for me or my soul.  But most of the time I just cannot forget anyone which means, if you’re my friend and you’re reading this and you haven’t heard from me, seen me, I’m sorry.  I really am.  You’re still in my head and in my heart but there are a million and one reasons I’m giving myself to keep you away.

But anyways, I digress.  I don’t forget and sometimes the reaction of remembering is so strong that I stagger and have to shake it off.  That happened to me earlier today when I was looking at some pictures a friend had posted and one of them showed her in a picture with someone I thought was someone I hadn’t talked to in about a year for reasons I won’t even begin to describe here.  I had a straight-up panic for a second like one of those six degrees of separation moments that sent my adrenal gland and respiratory system into a flashbang burst in the pit of my stomach.  Sounds violent and it kinda is but that’s not the point.

I realized at that moment that it had been quite some time since everything went down with me and this person and I decided to look her up to see what was going on.  You know, I try to help all my friends through everything I can help them with.  It’s what I’m best at and it’s going to be a big part of my “job” when I get out of college, Lord willing.  That’s where all this sort of started and when I started looking at the way things are with her now compared to then when she was working through all these issues it’s as if nothing has changed and these were all things that were completely unhealthy at the time I was helping her deal with it.  Not only had things changed but they’ve actually intensified in ways that make me roll my eyes and ache from the folly of it all.

It’s a fundamental human trait that people will not change.  I shouldn’t fool myself with that fact and I know the real deal when it comes to major life issues.  Humans haven’t the will to change things themselves, of their own power.  It’s like the girl who gets out of a relationship where she’s treated like garbage, does good for a while, then goes back to another crappy relationship.  It’s the same as our relationship with Jesus.  We have to have the humility to admit that we can change absolutely nothing in ourselves and in that humility comes the faith that allows change to happen.

So, why am I so disappointed and frustrated when people don’t change when we’re a year removed from the situation and I left them holding fast towards what I thought was the right path?  I guess it’s a problem of humility on my part but then I ask the question of whether or not I made the right decision to let them go on their own path.  Then I realize that’s just my wanting things to go the way I want which is “good intention” veiled in a lack of faith.  When things turn out like this I can’t help but say, “I could have done something.”  There’s a whole argument that goes on my head that you really don’t want to hear and I really don’t want to attempt to type out aside from what I’ve done above.  I’m really neurotic and I’m really working on it, praying about it and talking about it.  But what it really breaks down to is a lack of faith in the sovereignty of God and that’s what I’ve learned is my blind spot some times.  And there’s nothing I can do to fix it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s