I would prefer that my life stay boring and mundane most times, I really would. Seems every time I try and stretch myself out there’s always some sort of obstacle or wall to get in the way. Life can’t ever be easy and I’ve come to terms with this but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I know you’re probably thinking, “Oh, he’s depressed again. Time for another one of his thousand-word vomit-sessions.” and you may have already considered whether or not you want to keep reading. My advice is to do what you want with my words at this point. I make no promises but I can tell you that I’m not depressed and that is a huge step for me considering how my life has been the last few months. Oh, you didn’t know?
I’ll give you the short version. I suffer from seasonal depression anyways so the winter is always a difficult part of the year. Every year I vow to stay strong but I always end up on my knees by the end of it, curled up in a ball in my head like my brain was an armadillo under attack. It just keeps rolling. This winter was especially augmented by the hell I was put through partly of my own volition, partly in the hands of someone else. A consistent give and revocation of affection over the span of a few months ultimately ended up with me being told that I was an obstacle for this person’s faith, that I represented her need for relationship like an idol does and she has not spoken to me since.
There are a few ways I could have handled this and I think I chose the best path based on the counsel of a few friends and my own personal contemplation. If I don’t exist to that person they may as well not be a factor in my decision-making. I will not be a product of someone else’s rationale and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be considered an obstacle and just sit in that. Whether or not that was the desired intent, that’s how I’m taking it and that’s how it’s going to be. So, I found some joy in my life again once realizing that I was not meant to handle such a load unnecessarily. So, I have returned to life as it was before this whole mess started with a lot more discernment and intelligence. Now, life is more interesting, it has flavor and energy and I cannot wait to see what will happen next.
More importantly, I have seen God work in me in this situation especially in regards to relationships. I’ve returned to my cynicism about any and all relationships and have given up even trying anymore. What matters most to me now is the mission. Aside from following Christ, of course, getting through school and whatever else gets thrown in my path. My focus is as strong as it has ever been and I will continue to refine it with the help of my friends and God as my guiding light.
I blew a sermon on spiritual war a few weeks ago by inundating the whole thing with as much knowledge as I could cram into 24 minutes (it was supposed to be 20) and then vomiting it all out all over my class. In retrospect I should have stuck to basics because I know war. My whole life has been a battle and I continue to have to fight wether it be myself or outside forces, you name it. My life has not and will never be easy and I’ve got that in my head so tight that it will never shake loose. I expect that there will be unexpected even when I don’t know what that looks like. Life is a war and I’m ready to fight because I have no other choice. I am backed into a corner, sly grin and waiting for life to get too close. And like an animal, cornered, I will fight with whatever I have and will continue to do so because I know no other way out.