With spring-time rolling in I feel the pressure increase but soul is prepared and rising to meet the challenge. I have shaken the snow from my shoulders with the winter on its way backwards as I make for the door away from that frigid season and all I have associated with it. This winter did not come without its tragedies and casualties but I have purposed to forget all of that now, I think. And it wasn’t really a conscious decision, I’ll have you know, but it is as if God finally turned on the switch after erasing the great distance I felt from Him over these past few days/weeks/months…
I am not afraid of the future because I know it’s not me who makes it and I don’t do a whole lot without thinking and asking about it first and it’s as if I can see the hand of God in everything. I felt it in the wind today. Today. It was like I emerged from a cocoon with my gloves off and I was ready to go at it. The way I have been the last few months has been severed from my being and I’m not guaranteeing that I’m not going to hit lows time in and out but I must accept that as reality and not so much as a disadvantage. I have learned the meaning of God’s time and His sovereignty and I don’t get it and I don’t understand it completely but that’s fine.
I was driving home from work last night and I don’t remember what I was looking at but I wasn’t looking at the road. Don’t worry, it was only for a split second but I looked back to the asphalt or pavement and I didn’t know where I was for a few seconds. I’ve driven that road hundreds of times maybe more in the last year so I was floored that I didn’t recognize this particular stretch of road. But I crested a hill and on the south side of the highway was the Omaha skyline as seen just after you pass highway 50 going East on 370. And in thinking about it today and just now I think that’s a good illustration of how my winter was this year. I had no bearings whatsoever, I took my focus off my mission and turned it to something else and I lost my bearings for a good while. Long enough for me to realize the absence of direction in heart, in my soul. But as this nice weather has rolled in and Spring has officially put Winter to death, I saw the bright lights of the skyline and it was as if God had shown me just a glimpse of His glory.
As a result of the Transfiguration Jesus’ clothes were “white as light” (Matthew 17:2), “radiant, intensely white, as no one on earth could bleach them” (Mark 9:3), or “dazzling white” (Luke 9:29). I can just imagine Peter and James and how they must have had to shield their eyes from the brightness. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked at anything that is pure white but if you know your basic physics you know that white is not really a color but an absence of. And to stare at something bleached perfectly white as it says in Mark it would serve almost as a mirror by reflecting all wavelengths of light in the spectrum. I kind of felt like that today. In reflecting on all the garbage that has happened to me in the last few months I feel that brilliant white cloth was ground to dust and scattered across the skyline and that is where I see the light.
I’m sure that you think that is an odd parallel to make but you must understand something about me. I know I talk a lot about my problems and depression and anxiety but I’m not as black as my clothing makes me look. There are a few things on this earth that bring me calm, just enough for reflection. One of them is trains. That’s a long story but if a train goes by I can’t help but watch. There’s just something about all that weight in motion being pulled by one lone vehicle. Another is seeing skylines from an unpopulated area. I cannot explain because I don’t know why but I can show it to you if you ask.