I’m no one at all…
I am invisible. Today. I phased in and out of social interactions today like I could see but was unseen. I was passing pool games and stupid and inane conversation because today that just isn’t me. I don’t want to die, I just wanted to cease to be seen. As the song goes, “I never wanted to cease to exist, just disappear.”
All I could see was purpose as I attempted to shut out the noise and just move. When you strip away everything but pure purpose from your thoughts, the constant hum of voices, TV’s and water pipes get their vocal chords cut an there is only pure thought. I don’t consider this healthy as a consistent frame of mind but, for whatever reason, this frame of mind was tacked around my brain like a life preserver.
My moment was shattered by someone saying my name as I was walking away. This has been happening a lot lately; people asking me how someone else is doing, that is. My earth was slightly shattered when she asked how I was doing. I was taken aback and my laser-beam focus was interrupted and the blank scowl I wore melted into a small grin. I said I was good. I supposed I was but it’s hard telling these days. I seem to have obtained some peace and then my mood slips. I’m on a low right now but nothing I’ve not fought through before.
It’s been strange having so many people asking about you. I don’t mind telling a few people that you seem like you’re doing better than last I saw you. I’m just meant to be a messenger and I’m not bitter about that at all. But part of me wishes they’d ask me how I’m doing with all of this. It sounds selfish to me and strange because I only really trust a few with my true feelings but no one really seems to care about how I’m surviving all of this and maybe they don’t need do. It’s just a peculiar social nicety that is somewhat backwards when you think about it. It’s impersonal, basically using someone for information then walking away. I’ve been used before, I’ve been disregarded a good portion of my life. Why should now be any different?
I tried something today. It stems from being around too many people who talk because they can’t stand silence or are seeking acceptance or just want attention. These people have no regard for the use of language or other peoples’ reverence for the seldom-found silence. I do not want to be one who talks too much or any of the things I listed above. So, I tried an experiment. I sat at the end of a table near a few of my professors, but had just enough space between us that I wasn’t associating with them. And then I listened; just listened. Not eavesdropping, just picking up on their conversation and then fought any urge to speak or ask questions. It was a test and I passed. I am growing more acquainted with silence then before and sometimes it makes things easier to bear.
Last night was interesting. In youth group we talked about lust. In small groups we covered a lot of scripture. I had prayed beforehand that God would not just send his Holy Spirit on us all but that he would throw it down on us. I didn’t want it to seem like a majestic dusting but a violent downward pitch. I cannot claim the idea fully but I take the words from a Demon Hunter song, “The Latest & the Last” where Ryan Clark screams, “Throw it down on me.” I’ve never been sure what he was referring to but I got a mental image one day of God just taking his hand and slamming the Spirit down. I think he did just that last night. I humbly accepted that control was beyond me and went with what came to me. I think I can say the same for the other sponsors, maybe the kids too.
This may be dangerous. Something came up last night. It’s a feeling I have come to love and hate. It’s so confusing sometimes. She’s been gone for a month with a couple of conversations in there. And every day I think about her and I miss her. So, you can imagine my stagger when I was introduced to someone last night and I got hit with that shot in the gut, tangled up nerve bundles, head swimming reaction. I am not and have not been seeking anyone lately at all. My heart has been occupied and too focused on her for me to be able to see this new person and for that feeling to come up. In her absence, I think I’ve been left bare and so I must be discerning. What I came up with was that it was caused by the mystery of this new person.
By mystery I mean my lack of knowledge of the person so my mind is not allowed to focus. I found myself looking and wondering again and then reality hit. I have just been dragged through the mud of a painful separation between me and her. I shouldn’t be thinking about dragging someone anywhere near those flames. And reality sobered me but another thought occurred to me: How long will I be left to my own devices? How long will she stay away? Our feelings were shared and strong, mutual. But another voice says, “You cannot wait forever, can you?” I curse that voice.
I realize this is ridiculous and not a lot of time has passed but these questions still remain. It would have seemed there was an unspoken promise between us. Am I just looking for excuses to be selfish or am I being honest with myself when I say that I don’t know if I have the strength to wait as long as it may take? My heart is not sure of itself anymore. My soul has been yanked every conceivable direction and yet I still have that feeling; that kind of crush/interest because I don’t know her and I’ve always been a sucker for a pretty face kind of thing. I think her leaving has only left unanswered questions and more ambiguity between us. I don’t know what to do but I know a few things.
I know I don’t know this person and I should probably get to know her so I can get past this mystery. I know I’m not really seeking, jut lonely again… still. And all I have is my family and friends and no words from her, the one who ran away to save her soul and probably her sanity but not really because of me. I need to grow up. I’m not in high school and this stupid flash-crush stuff needs to be over with. I know I’m hopeless.
I have been very blessed to have the friends I do and the ones I’ve made just this semester. I’ve been spending more time with guys around my age and that’s been helpful. It’s also been nice to not be the only one that’s in Bible college and single. How very strange that I used to have a lot of female friends but now all my friends are dudes. But the dudes I hang out with were probably the same way when they were in high school. We’re all a bunch of geeks. At least I’ve found somewhere I belong. I’ve never really consistently had that before.
I guess what it boils down to is that I’m still growing in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things I don’t know yet. There is a large amount I just don’t understand. I’ve been finding myself in prayer more often that I used to and am still waiting for a ton of things to be revealed. I have patience. I’m doing what I can to keep moving, but I know it’s not me but Him who gives me strength, peace and wisdom. I’m surviving.