Hitting the Ground and Breaking Open Wide: An Unsent Message

I could write a million words about the way
I’m feeling but in the end it amounts to nothing.
And I’m okay with that.
I could crack my pen in half
and throw the ink down paper hallways
and it still wouldn’t matter.
My keyboard could be pounded
until the keys crack, break and cease to function
and the matter will have still remained the same.
This pain, this fire in my gut will not go away.
For the brief moment of eye contact
we communicated miles and your smile
broke a week’s worth of pain
and if only for a moment
the screaming in my head was silenced.
I’ve tried to compose myself
and tried to make my feelings well-dressed
but the tie is too tight
and it’s choking out the life
and the pressure underneath is building
and eventually I know that something is gonna break,
the floodgates would open.
Well, the water is rushing
roughshod through the valley of my mind,
filled with words, flushing out
curses and aspersions and wrecking everything,
letting it all come flying out.
So, let me lay it out for you, princess,
in the only fashion I know how
and you just see what sticks:
I know my heart breaks wide open
when I see you spilling fuel
to the fire in my gut that just won’t stop
and I’ve learned that there is no
managing this condition.
I don’t even try.
I know that when yer being yerself
I remember who you were and who yer becoming.
I know the most difficult part of this is
that we have made ourselves
silent to each other only passing small messages
that are there only so we can remember
each others presences
like we would ever forget everything between us.
There is a mountain of words there
that now divides us
as we continue on walking down that path
towards the light.
You’ve opted for that light and are seeking it
childlike instead of relying on rays
from this burnt out blacklight sunshine
and for that I could not be more thankful.
I am a poor substitute for anything in life for anyone
in most things.
I accept that as true and let Him who Is work through.
And I pray He does the same for you.
That I know more than anything else.
More than I know the feeling of tears
welling up as I type this,
as I realized this started as a simple message
about how, selfishly, I miss you
and how I fight with myself to accept
this is where you need to go
and that I must resign myself
to the one thing that has never been between us
since we met and that is
silence.

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