Perhaps it is time for me to put a real post that doesn’t consist of cryptic poetry about how depressed I’ve been lately. And I have been depressed. I’m going to be real about it for once in a venue I assume is fairly safe because only people who care about me enough to tell me I’m being stupid in a loving manner actually read this.
So, that season began back around November. It’s the season where the control of myself that I am almost consistently able to maintain over my emotional states goes completely out the window. No amount of medication or therapy has yet to bring about any sort of solution. I have prayed many times for it to stop and be taken away with no response. I think I can safely say I can relate to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-8. Did you know that depression is very humbling? I didn’t really think about it until just now but it is. I have to reach past my pride to tell someone how I’m feeling which is not as easy as it sounds. Telling someone who does not understand what it feels like to the level at which I have experienced it is a lot like talking to a wall. Something I still struggle with, however, is “counting it all joy” or rejoicing. When all hope seems lost in most cases, God feels most silent.
I have been attempting to continue to read but I have found a greater ferocity in my hunger for the word. Even when I’m not reading it I am contemplating it and running it over in my head. Some of that has to do with a sermon I’ll have to prepare in the coming weeks but I have also just wanted to read, learn and understand. Jesus, as he should be, has been very central in this. I have the gospels but there is SO much out there on the criticism and the historicity of it all as well. I believe the gospels are true but to add historical context to a scholarly level is intriguing to me. And I don’t mean the Jesus Seminar because that is not scholarship but skepticism at its lowest. N.T. Wright, J.P. Moreland… these are the men from whom I have sought my information but I keep going back to the Gospels and it just lights a fire I’ve felt before but never understood. I think I do now but one who can never be certain of mood indications. It is similar to that in Lamentations 1:13:
“From on high he sent fire;
into my bones he made it descend;
he spread a net for my feet;
he turned me back;
he has left me stunned,
faint all the day long.
Or perhaps Jeremiah 20:9
If I say, “I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,”
there is in my heart as it were a burning fire
shut up in my bones,
and I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot.
This raises an interesting question that I’ll leave as just rhetorical. Since God knows us before we were formed in the womb, does it stand to reason that all people or, perhaps, certain people would be given specific names to mirror their purpose? I only ask because both verses are ascribed to Jeremiah the prophet and they resonate greatly with me. Just food for thought.
I feel a great sense of purpose being at this school. My classes are keeping me on my toes, my reading is keeping me engaged intellectually so that I am not getting bored. I am taking my required course in homiletics right now and I am so excited to start but with no explanation. By that I mean no basically logical reason other than my belief in Jesus and belief in the word. And yet I am also troubled by a class that I am taking as an intensive course called Personal Evangelism. The assignments are all pretty simple for me except the final assignment:
Post-class assignment (Final Project). Each student will be expected to share a Gospel presentation and their faith story with someone who is living their life apart from Christ. Students will write a three to five page documentation/critique of that conversation.
I’m praying that the methodology in this course explains this better because, I’m sorry, but I’m not the type to just cram the Gospel down someone’s throat. I’m hoping this isn’t the case, otherwise the professor and I will have to have a discussion. But we haven’t gone that far. If you’ll notice, I’m really big on planning ahead. I’ve been getting homework done early for that very purpose. I cannot fall behind, I cannot miss sleep and I cannot come as close to failing my classes as I did last semester. It doesn’t look like it is pointing that way yet but I still worry. It’s the whole uncontrollable anxiety thing, comes with being crazy.
I worry about her a lot. I can’t help it. Together or no, I’m not going to talk about that, but I do worry about her and I worry about her worrying about me. I worry that she won’t talk to me because she is predisposed to staying away from people with my condition having experienced it in her past. I want her so badly to understand that I am not that way and even if she feels she has to stay with me because that’s what she is being called to do then so be it. I won’t like it and I’ll worry all the same. I just wish there was more communication and less of her avoiding problems if we have them like I’m going to treat her like crap and belittle her for what is causing her problems. I just don’t know, I really don’t know and I pray and I pray and it is one of those things that maybe I have been given the solution but really don’t like it so I’m ignoring it because I also associate it with the mess of problems I have emotionally and psychologically. GAHHHHH!
If all we have is God then we ought to be more than content. But, if that’s the case, then why does it hurt like it does? If we are relational creatures than we should solely rely on God but seek relationships with believers around us. Shouldn’t we? Are we not meant to love one another? It hurts to feel alone. Most people would seek comfort in those they love and trust. It does not serve you well to be silent on matters that hurt you. Unless you’re me and you can only relate it to some sort of imbalance in your brain, you have a cause for sorrow and I think you must give it to God but, in most cases, shouldn’t we be willing to share our sorrows?
I am grieved right now. Worry has taken my mind away from things. I shouldn’t be anxious but I am. I can’t help it. God be with you and me. And to all who were kind enough to read this. May the Father of all things lay his blessings on you.
This servant hurts.