It’s been quite some time since I’ve updated this page. In the past month my journeys in life haven’t been the most exciting, I must admit. The fun stuff has just recently begun. However…
There was a decent amount of poison dripping from your unknowing fangs like an old faucet rusted. And you’re rusted too, old divination station examining texts like tools, admiring their shine before you coat them in someone’s blood. You laughed at the thought of me, like I was some sort of novelty party favor to spin ’round in your mind, through the pupils of your eyes. But who’s laughing now that I see through you like cellophane, oh captain? The dusttrail behind me should tell you something but your aging eyes are veiled in your self-imortance as you master your circus and lead them all blindly to the cliffs. I will remember this always: your bark is far worse than your bite. I can feel the poison evaporate from my pores like water on summertime asphalt… and then it’s gone. My soul feels at rest in my new home knowing that you’re not there.
So, I started my time at Nebraska Christian College. I came here knowing what I didn’t want in my college experience moving forward. Everything has been wonderful so far, to be quite honest. I don’t walk down the halls of the college with the thought circling my head that I was just a number, that no one around me gave a toss what happened to me once or even gave me a passing glance. It’s not like that here. It is certainly a community and everyone knows everyone here for the most part. There is a wonderful amount of transparency among the students and even the professors.
There was a wonderful illustration of this in our first chapel of the year. We were asked to meditate on things that were perhaps hindering us from growing. We were given 10 minutes of silence to do so and it was just that. Silent. Silent. I had a few things laying on my heart. Continually, early on in this experience here, we’ve had group prayer and reflection and I just hear over in my head again and again as tears start to well up [as they’re starting to now a bit]:
As I feel there’s parts of myself I’m holding back or that I won’t give up… I’m not sure what, but I know it’s there. And others did let go as we were asked to stand up to tell what we had on our hearts to fast from. I heard some heartbreaking experiences that I won’t air out here. Being somewhat of an empath, I pick up on those things and it was like getting kicked in chest. The whole time I just buried my hands, praying and praying.
This place brings out my true nature, the compassionate side, the part that actually wants to help in any way, shape or form. Outside these walls I think I guard myself because people just seem to take and take and take. I’ll keep giving either way, but here it seems to have more of me behind it. I can’t explain it in words. Of the prophet, priest and king attributes one can have, I’m feeling more of my priestly side these days. I like it. Takes me away from myself and focuses on others. My hope is that it will continue and that God will strengthen my heart to maintain.
This is a family here. If you live in the dorms everyone makes an effort to get to know your name. When you walk into the common room you usually get greeted at the door by most anyone hanging around there. Same goes when you’re walking down the halls to class. More than once today someone has said hi to me whom I couldn’t recall meeting. Award turtle moments. But for the most part it’s done my heart well to not be a number. People are legitimately interested in who you are and what your interests are and what you think. I think they actually might be… Dare I say…. Christians?
I guess I don’t have a whole lot to add right now. I’m pretty tired, still adjusting to the sleep schedule. Getting up for class at 8 AM takes a toll when you’re not used to getting up before noon.