I actually made it to class for the first time in a little over a week. I seriously contemplated skipping again, I even had a dream in which I was in a house that was not mine and I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to roll out of bed and go to class. My only real motivating factor was a test that I had not studied for or really attended many of the lectures for either. But I figured that I had better not burn my bridges with this place. Ever mindful of the consequences of my actions (in the off chance I should ever have to come back to UNO) I finally heeded my alarm despite only getting about 6 hours of sleep. I know there are people that would tell me that is a good night’s sleep, but we Bipolar bears need our 8 hours. At least, I do.
My alarm clock is a cheap one but cooler than most because it plays CDs and uses whatever music I want to wake me up. This is an interesting to me because I have used the same mix CD for months now to get myself out of bed. Depending on how I’m feeling when I wake up, I’ll have to listen to a few tracks before I can will myself out of bed. Today it was Atmosphere’s “They Key’s of Life vs. 15 Minutes of Fame”. There is something about this song that makes me think of waking up in a movie set in summer time and once Slug starts dropping his rhymes I get this overwhelming urge to exuberantly toss the covers off and get ready for my wonderful day. That’s not how it went today. It was more of a rolling motion that got me from lying on the bed to my feet hitting the floor. Knowing myself well enough, once I got moving I was alright. I got myself ready, grabbed my Dickies messenger bag, packed with books and laptop, laptop and headed out the garage door at about 9:15 AM.
“The Keys of Life vs. 15 Minutes of Fame” by Atmosphere
This is the real substance, the real question or observation I guess. Everyone around me seems to be focused or just dead set on getting from point A to point B. They behave as gorillas in a sense. No one wants to smile and bear their teeth and no one wants to look anyone else in the eye. Everyone passes with a strange amount of polarity in their bodies as everyone avoids even coming close to each other in the hallways but the couples meet up and stick together like positive and negative and there’s almost an audible click when they meet. There will be small groups of friends that seem to have thought it would be cute to collectively keep their high school cliques together and they break some of these rules. But they all laugh at an inward direction, towards each other, as if collecting their laughs in a well contained in the phalanx, their oddly shaped semi circle collective.
There was a girl sitting a few feet down from me as I sat in the hall waiting for my next class to start. I always find it awkward when a girl isn’t self-conscious enough to realize that her underwear is showing. She got up and joined her friends when they left the classroom I was waiting to enter. This makes a great example for my point, actually. It seems as if everyone is walking asleep, somnambulant, on this campus. Add a little blood, some open wounds and maybe some missing limbs and you could have a zombie film. I don’t expect people to be super friendly and constantly be saying, “Hi” to everyone they pass or we’d never make it to our respective classrooms. But in my observations, it seems easier for everyone to pretend that no one else exists and they only have their mission of A to B. The real proof is the people I had classes with last semester that are in my classes this semester. No conversations, no nothing. And people wonder why I hate it here. Everyone here is walking catatonic, comatose and I feel like the only one awake, a misanthropologist amongst the indigenous. This environment may be dangerous to my health.
I’ll pray for strength to make it through the coming weeks. I told myself at the beginning of the school year that failure was not an option. May I live out the worth of those words and then some. This place saps the energy from me almost as much as my job, so my patience is wearing thin. Nodes of Ranvier wrote a great song and the lyrics to the bridge are very helpful to me which is why “Endless Faith” is the first track on my “Wake the F up” mix.
You give and take away. Blessed be Your name.
I cannot comprehend all the workings of Your hand
But still I will wait, hold fast to endless faith.
Overwhelmed and torn apart but never abandoned
When it seems that all is gone.